You just had a nasty break up. You’ve been fighting for weeks, and whether it’s you, them, or both of you… you don’t/can’t see them unless you want the feelings to come rushing back. What’s the next step in the recovery process? Naturally, you sit down with your close friends, (who have been with you through this whole ordeal of course) and explain that you just can’t be around your recent ex right now, and it would be best if they let you know when they will be hanging around with your late partner in the future. You know that you don’t want to tell them they CANT hang out with your ex…but you know that if they were true friends…they wouldn’t.
Three weeks later…
You can’t believe it! This whole time, that ONE person, you KNEW would never go behind your back, did…they are talking to your ex! WORST…FRIEND…EVER! Excommunication is a must, but of course you don’t want to start too much drama in your circle of friends, I mean they are an ex for a reason, and you knew you never liked that friend anyway. Who are we kidding; they are no friend to you. There is no reason that they should be seeing/talking/ EVEN THINKING about your ex…
So you’ve found out about their little coup and it’s time to confront the one person you thought you could trust…The Backstabbing Bestie.
The Backstabbing Bestie is that person who loves to swoop in when you just get out of a relationship. All the while you were happily together with your partner; they were secretly hoping or wishing you would break up for their chance to move in. They don’t want any hard feelings because they really do value the friendship you and they have, and as a result, most likely won’t tell you about their secret post breakup affair. They aren’t bad people; they just don’t know respect and others’ boundaries (sorry if you were or are a backstabbing bestie).
Two quick stories:
I used to date a kid who I thought was going to be “the one.” I say USED TO because we have since broken up. Anyway…two weeks after we broke up, another friend of mine, went in and ended up dating my ex. Both my ex and this friend refused to tell me about the relationship. I caught on by testing my skills as a Facebook Stalker (I had blocked him at the time, so our mutual friend’s accounts were my key in). After confronting one of them, they both admitted that yes they were dating. They didn’t want to hurt me so they hid their affair. I was not only extra upset over the idea that my recent ex had not been honest with me after being together for so long, but I was also upset that my friend wouldn’t come to me either. I’ve since then stopped speaking to my friend that went behind my back, and while my ex has asked to get back together since their break up, the trust is now gone. I’ve always been an advocate of giving relationships a second chance…more than that and it’s just beating a dead horse, but for him, he lost my trust and I just don’t ever look at him the same.
One more story:
I have another girlfriend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She recently found out that her ex is now in a relationship with one of her other friends. She came to me and spoke about it and I gave her the same advice I gave others that have had this problem:
If your friends truly value their friendship with you, they will be mature and understanding enough to come speak to you about their feelings. If they can’t and choose to make moves behind your back, they were never truly valuing your friendship in the first place. Relationships come and go, but friends last forever.
So my advice to those friends who want to avoid the label of A Backstabbing Bestie:
Weigh the situation. Think about if this were to happen to you; what if the shoe was on the other foot? Give your friend time to recover and get over the initial withdrawal of not having their partner around. Then speak to them. No matter how close you were to the ex (a rare exception is if someone is dating another from within your circle of friends) you met that ex that you have feelings for THROUGH your friend. Value the friendship and just go speak to your friends prior to getting into anything physical with their ex. It’s going to possibly save the friendship, and release that need to go about the situation behind other’s backs.
Have you ever been in this situation? How has it made you feel to be in either the friend’s shoes, the best friend’s shoes, or were you the ex?