This one goes out to all my gay friends. It’s time to set up some ground rules for all of the Fag Hags out there. If you don’t know what I’m talking about it, a Fag Hag is a gay man’s girlfriend. She is the one that loves shopping with him, talking about how horrible her ex boyfriend was to her, and the one who we go to, to make sure we look slutty enough to meet her straight guy friends. So I’ve put together this list of rules that every gay should show to his Fag Hags so we can all get on the same page, because let’s face it, some girls just don’t get it.
- We will drop you for a hook up. Honestly, we always go out to your bars, and your dinners, and your parties just so we can sit around and drool over sexy men. But in all reality in the back of our heads we know that there will be a very slim chance of those men being gay. As sexy as it is for us to hope that we can convert him to the dark side, we know it just isn’t gonna happen. So when we move in on a guy and you see us making out, you better have buddied up with our other friends otherwise that taxi will look REALLY lonely by yourself. Yes we will be courteous to offer to come back with you, but know this: we are only thinking about how much we hate you for cock blocking us from the man of our dreams. HE COULD HAVE BEEN OUR HUSBAND!
- If we can talk to your guy friends, you can talk to ours. We don’t need clingers at the club. Our gay friends won’t bite, at least not you. If we can go out with you and your girlfriends and talk to all your meat head guy friends who clearly are only being nice because they want to get into your pants, you can go talk with some of our friends as well. It works both ways, if the guy wants to sleep with someone bad enough, they will put in the effort to be nice to all the friends as well. We don’t want to have to chauffeur you around all night while we look for a trick to flirt with. Otherwise we WILL remember and totally cock block you next Saturday night.
- Don’t expect to find a man. There are very VERY few straight men that will go into a gay club. So don’t talk our ears off with how you hope that you’ll find a man, or throughout the night, how you thought there would be more men to hit on you. They aren’t looking at you tonight, they are looking at us. Let us bring over the eye candy, you can talk to them a little while we grab more drinks, but then let us do our work. We want to get laid just as much as you do girl friend, so let us get it in for once. That doesn’t mean you can slack off however with what you wear (refer to number five).
- Your drunken state reflects on us. If we are trying to break it down on the dance floor with our gaggle of gays, it’s funny for about four seconds to watch you make a fool of yourself while falling over. But once we find a dance partner or we are trying to go up on the boxes to play with that poll, you better be sure the last thing we want to do is take care of you. You can’t expect us to throw our shirts back on in a moment’s notice just to run outside to make sure you are ok! Just because our bff saw your glittered ass get drug out the front door by a bouncer, doesn’t mean we want to go hold your hair back. Once that happens girls, you WILL be black listed on our list to be coming back out.
- You still need to look hot. Yes, I know this is a weird idea when I stated in number three above that you won’t be finding a man, but imagine if we went out to one of your bars with your girlfriends in sweat pants. The only difference is those straight guys won’t give two shits about us, the “token gay,” but you? Yes you will reflect on how we are perceived. Do you think we come up to every girl in club and tell them they are pretty? Actually, yes we do. Sorry to break it to you but it’s us just being nice. You won’t know how our friends really feel unless at the end of the night they come back to you to say goodbye. If you are pretty enough to walk out of the club with, then it was a successful wardrobe.